A Horrible Secret

For those that have been to our home, they see a nicely decorated, organized, and clean house. But, within the closets and depths of our basement lies a secret...a horrible little secret that my husband has lived with and endured over years. With every doorbell that rings and monthly credit card bill that he opens, he holds his breath in hopes that it has not happened again...."As Seen On TV".

I'm literally a "junkie" when it comes to "As Seen On TV" products. When I see ads on TV that promises me convenience, claims outrageous results, or "takes off one payment" resulting in unbelievable bargains, my eyes dilate and hands become clammy. I'm not sure why I'm such a sucker for these products...maybe it's because I'm mesmerized by the personal testimonials of celebrities or because I'm infatuated with that stout red-haired woman that can make desserts out of diet sodas.

So here are my TRUE testimonials..."As Seen On TV" products that I have purchased and strategically hid througout our house out of sheer embarrassment and just plain lack of space.

Secret #1 in our laundry room: The Turbo Cooker

This was my first indulgence in "As Seen On TV". I first heard about this product from a fellow respiratory therapist who made an incredible low-calorie, super-moist yellow sponge cake with NO oil. He made it with the Turbo Cooker and I was blown away at the key ingredient: DIET SODA. HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?!? Before I knew it, he lent me the instruction video for the Turbo Cooker so that I could fully comprehend it's awesome potential. I pursued scholarly research on late-night infomercials and surfed the internet for "reliable" product information. The science made sense: using steam AND heat in an enclosed dome to cook even faster...turbo fast!

Soon, I became the proud owner of my very own Turbo Cooker! It came with a variety of recipies promising meals in less than 30 minutes. I "turbo cooked" spaghetti, egg omelets, chocolate cake with a diet cherry soda topping, and the infamous frozen chicken. The thrill-factor was like discovering an ice-age caveman on National Geographic, this cooker thawed, cooked, and rotisserized a frozen chicken in less than an hour. I SWEAR!

Despite the frozen chicken revival, this product soon lost it's lustre. It went from "turbo cooking" glorious meals to reheating last night's chinese stir-fry to collecting dust on the stovetop. Too large to keep in the kitchen cabinets, it eventually made its permanent home in the depths of our basement.

Secret #2 in our guest room closet: The Handy Stitch

I had large expectations for this pint-sized sewing machine. Like Martha Stewart, I wanted to make my own pillowcases and dinner napkins. I wanted to make cute little pouches out of denim for all my friends. But, more than ever, I wanted to try hemming curtains while they still hung off the rods!

Damn my 7th grade home economics class at Gaithersburg Intermediate School! I was a fumbling fool trying to thread that handheld nightmare. NEVER was I able to thread the machine right. When I tried to sew, no thread came out, and when it did it, tangles everywhere! I made more knots than actual stitches. I used more thread than they provided me.

Instead of a "Handy Stitch", I purchased a useless pinhole maker. "Handy Stitch" my A$$!

Secret #3 behind our TV cabinet: "Winsor Pilates"

Graduate school and working in the PICU has always kept me busy. I constantly look for the perfect exercise routine that I can do after school and work without requiring me to leave the house. I pursued my scholarly research once again and found the perfect solution: "Winsor Pilates"! Not only did it guarantee that I lose inches of my waist, but it was a "yoga-esque" exercise routine that I could relax to and enhance my flexibility.

I'm not sure what totally convinced me: Daisy Fuentes' shocking weight loss or Danny Glover's heartfelt testimonial. Nonetheless, "Winsor Pilates" was promptly delivered right to my home. It was a collection of DVDs that I could do right in the privacy of my basement...thank God, because these exercise routines required a significant degree of strength and coordination. A Cirque du Soleil contortionist would be embarrased by its awkward and unsightly positions that were rhythmically repeated.

It wasn't quite what I was looking for: boring routines that didn't make me sweat and athletic, attractive women that just made me angry...do they really need the workout? I honestly gave it a try, but I'd rather enjoy a pistachio gelato...YUM-O!



Secret #4 on the return shelf at Bed, Bath & Beyond: The Lateral Thigh Trainer

With "Winsor Pilates" safely tucked away, I became more vigilant than ever in finding a convenient workout solution that suite the demands of my work and school schedule. Once again, my late-night TV watching got the best of me. The "Lateral Thigh Trainer" seemed to be the perfect execise machine...lightweight, compact, yet it guaranteed a complete cardiovascular and muscle-toning workout. I've been on step machines at the gym before, how different could it be? Oh, how I loves to proves me wrong!
With my 20% coupon in hand, I purchased the "Thunderthigh Trainer" at Bed, Bath & Beyond. It was easy to assemble, and within minutes I was taming my thighs in the up/down, left/right motion at the same time!

HAHA!!!! Take that, "As Seen on TV"!!!!!!!
For 2 weeks, I had a consistent workout routine. With my water bottle in one hand and sweat towel over my shoulder, I felt like I had my own personal gym in the basement. I even had to freaking stretch out before jumping on this bad boy! With every step I took, I thought about how I got my money's worth. With every workout, I pushed harder to feel the burn...

...the burn of money falling out of my pocket...DAMN IT TO HELL!!! I don't know if it was sheer laziness or boredom, but after a while, the workouts weren't as challenging and my routine became less routine. Luckily, I kept the reciept, returned it, and laterally stepped out of Bed, Bath & Beyond as quickly as I purchased it.

AND finally Secret #5 on my bathroom sink: Proactiv

Discouraged by all the previous purchases, I was reluctant to buy this product. However, I was pretty desperate to find a solution to get rid of some new pimples on my face. What pimples do I have you ask? SEE it does work...

For some odd reason, tiny pimples on my face decided to take a vacation and sunbath on my face. That forced me to go to the dermatologist THREE times and pay a hefty $40 co-pay with each visit. After weeks of antibiotics and applying three different creams on my face with temporary results, I turned to Jessica Simpson for help.

I was at Towson Mall one day walking by the kiosks. I absolutely HATE walking by the kiosks because its like an "As-Seen-On-TV Gone-Wild" nightmare for me. I could write an entire blog on how I feel personally harrassed by these salespeople.

Fake purses, rain gutter protectors, fake hair, oh my...

Anyways, as I was trying to dodge the teen offering to massage my head with an alien probe, I spotted Jessica Simpson and the "Proactiv Solution".

I was so terrorfied to purchase this product because 1) it was a kiosk 2) would it work? 3) it was a kiosk! I questioned the woman to see if she knew her stuff about Proactiv and if there was a money-back guarantee. I even asked her if her Kiosk were to somehow "go out of business" where could I return it. She assured me (despite being 8 months pregnant) that her kiosk would still be in the mall and I could get a full refund if it didn't work.

Well...to let you know, I never got the refund. Not because it didn't work or because she took my money and went MIA. I never got the refund because Proactiv actually worked. Yup, Jessica's not the only one who can say "these boots are made for walkin'".

Finally...an "As Seen On TV" success story I can testify to!