Whoa is me...

Beware...this isn't my typical Tanookie entry. It's actually a little bit darker, a little bit deeper, and a little more serious than my usual blog entries. I guess it was about due time that this blog might someday turn into a diary...public, of course! It's about starting my new job as a nurse practitioner.

Did I make the right decision? I thought I did. I think I did. I know I did? I know I was starting at the bottom of the hill. Starting over from scratch...I was once an ICU nurse where others turned to me for advice and guidance. Now, I'm alone...the only nurse practitioner in a practice full of experienced doctors. No one to relate to as a nurse, no one to look to for guidance. I have to find my own way...fumbling with each new week.

I hate that feeling...not knowing ANYTHING and acting like I know what they are talking about. I nod and nod, laugh, and verbally agree. Then I run back to my office and look up terms and diseases that I know nothing about. I wish I could download all this information into my head and spit it out in an intelligent language so that they can understand me. Sure I ask questions, but are they "intelligent" ones? Should I have known the answer already?

I knew I was taking a big risk working in a pediatric specialty with a Family Nurse Practitioner degree. Would I have been at an advantage if I were a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner? What if I weren't a PICU nurse? I am no doctor, just a nurse with a master's degree. In my office, my bare bookshelf does not compare to their bookshelves that are filled with medical journals and a vast amount of textbooks...some books they have written themselves! What books do I have? A medical dictionary to help me find the meaning of their everyday office jargon. A "Harriet Lane" book...best friend to a resident's pocket. My lonely pediatric textbook that we barely used in school. And a binder barely full of GI notes from class.

I guess with every up there is a down. And today was a down...tommorrow a new day and a new day to learn something...over and over again.

Updates...

Wheeeew! What happened to me?!?!? I know I've been off the radar this month, but there have been good things happening. This month has gone by fast...

1) Sarah and Kamran visit from Cali: Yup, the Hajji crew was together again! Despite our crazy weekend schedules, we were able to sit down together for a crabcake dinner at G&M's. Good times, always...sharing stories, laughing over "monkey" and "Prime" jokes, and let's not forget Zehra torturing Aamir from the backseat...I have to say that was the funnest trip to BWI Airport!


2) Hassan and Christina visit Rochester (again): With our friend Justin in tow, we survived a 5.5 hour drive to Rochester, NY to visit Showieb for the weekend. Hardworking Showieb just finished a LONG stretch of nightshifts and had the weekend off. We walked to a local sushi restaurant for dinner, dropped by Showieb's friend's house for a party, and drove to downtown Rochester for some live-band music. The next day, we went to Lake Canadaigua (which I learned as one of the "finger lakes") and watched the windsurfers. Dinner at P.F. Chang's and frozen custard from a local ice cream shoppe. On our walk back from the ice cream shoppe, Showieb, Justin, and I shared a special moment together...we sang the entire soundtrack from "The Sound of Music" together. Sorry, guys!!!

3) Camping in the Poconos: This was our most recent trip with A&Z and Alka& Umer. What fun it was despite the weather! We pitched our tents and grilled our food just before the sun went down. We endured the "ostrich" stares from those who attended the Pocono 500 in their RVs. We rafted down the calmest river and paddled through the pouring rain. When the rain finally stopped, we jumped in the river and floated downstream. We docked on an island and skipped some stones. I enjoyed stacking river rocks on the shore and sadly watched them get smaller as we paddled away. Returning to camp, we grilled some burgers and ate them with pasta. The boys went to mini-golf while the chili simmered. The rain came again and we raced to put up the canopy just in time to enjoy some hot chili! We had a great time...definitely at trip worth repeating.

The food

Our camp site

Post-rafting

4) My new job: It's my 3rd week at Sinai Hospital. Although it's overwhelming to think how much I need to learn, I'm excited by the potential growth into this position. It's completely different than the 12 hour ICU job I had at University of Maryland. I'm less stressed, the people are happier, the hospital is nicer, and I get to wear business casual clothes instead of scrubs! It's an exciting position...I get a little of both worlds: in the hospital in the morning and in the office in the afternoons. But the one thing I realized is to not forget that I'm still a nurse and that my approach is different than the doctors. I'm not a doctor that treats the disease, but helps the family with the disease.